Why You Shouldn’t Feel threatened by Your Partner’s Sex Toys

Have you been considering introducing a few sex toys to your bedroom fun and games? Are you longing to share this idea with your partner, but feel worried that they might react negatively to your suggestion? Don’t worry, you are not alone. Discussing your sexual desires can be tricky at the best of times, but when you open yourself up to the possibility of being judged, ridiculed or rejected, it can be absolutely terrifying. The good news is that, for the majority of people, sex toys are seen as a positive investment; a product that will provide new sensations and help spice up their sex life. Yet there are some people who see things differently and will dismiss the idea. If you have experienced this with your partner, read on.

Why Do Some People View Sex Toys as a Threat?

There are many reasons why sex toys might be viewed as a threat, but the most common underlying issues are insecurity and a feeling of inadequacy. If your partner feels threatened by your sex toys, it could be that they are afraid of being replaced, or believe that they are just not good enough in the sack. If you feel insecure, it might be hard to imagine your partner enjoying more intense, reliable orgasms, without also wondering if you still blow their mind. After all, how could you possibly compete with these motorised power machines?
There are lots of misconceptions surrounding sexual pleasure, sexual identity and self-identity and sometimes these core beliefs can often be confused with each other. For example, some people believe there is no difference between the activities a person indulges in for pleasure and the person they intrinsically are. This is why some people feel afraid, even ashamed to experiment with sex toys; especially when they come across misguided stereotypes and opinions such as these:
• Enjoying anal sex makes you homosexual (strangely, this is often applied to men only).
• Sex toys are reserved for those who can’t “get the real thing”, such as single people, older people or those who are unable to find a partner.
• People who use kink or BDSM toys are dangerous and/or perverted.

And so on. It is important to separate sexual pleasure from self-identity and realise that labels are too limiting. We are just too complex to fit into neat little tick boxes.
A smaller group of people view sex toy use (and often porn or fantasising) as a form of cheating, because their partner used something else (other than them) to reach climax.

Are Sex Toys Really a Threat?

Masturbation (with or without sex toys) is a normal, healthy expression of sexual desire. To varying degrees, the majority of us come with a built in instinct to seek sexual pleasure and indulging can have many benefits overall. The hormones released during sexual pleasure and orgasm can help you sleep, relieve pain and improve your mood. One of the greatest benefits to self-exploration is developing a better understanding of your body’s reaction to stimulation and what pleasures you the most. It is no coincidence that women who feel comfortable masturbating, also report experiencing more orgasms with a partner. Your sexual desire does not vanish when you enter into a relationship. Despite this, some people believe that they should be everything that their partner should ever need sexually, which is extremely difficult to achieve. It is incredibly common for couples to have mismatched sex drives, or for one to be more adventurous than the other. Masturbation is an acceptable alternative to couples play, especially when your partner is ill, or otherwise unavailable.
If your partner views sex toys (or masturbation) as a threat to your relationship, I recommend communicating sensitively, to find out why they feel this way. It is also important to remember that you are not doing anything wrong.
If your partner repeatedly chooses to masturbate alone, rather than be intimate with you, then it is obvious that there is a problem. However, it is important to remember that the sex toy (or porn) that they use is just a means to an end. Very rarely does a person choose an object over sex with a partner, unless they have issues with the relationship itself, or are struggling with psychological distress (such as phobias, or a deep rooted belief that sex is dirty).

What should I do if my partner does react negatively?

If your partner dismisses the idea of using sex toys, or feels threatened by the idea, it is highly likely they have feelings of insecurity and/or inadequacy. When people feel inadequate, they underestimate their own value within the relationship and feel threatened by anything that they believe will please their partner more. They are worried about being replaced. You need to sit your partner down and sensitively explain that, for you, sexual gratification is just one element to your relationship as a whole. Most of us are naturally driven to seek out a partner and this person becomes an extremely important part of our lives. We feel connected to this person on a deeper level, experiencing emotions like lust, affection and love. We enjoy their company and want to share our life experiences with this person. They make us feel happy, safe and content. What sex toy can give you all that?
Sex toys are inanimate objects, designed to provide sexual stimulation and nothing more. They cannot kiss you, make you laugh or hold you when you feel sad. The fact is, sex toys simply cannot compete with the connections we make with a real person.

How can Sex Toys Benefit My Relationship?

How would you feel if you had to eat the same meal every day for years on end? Most of us avoid choosing just one path to gratification in an either/or kind of way. Instead, we like to seek out and enjoy many different sensations. It is important to remember though, that “different” does not mean “better”. Sex toys (used alone or with a partner) can rejuvenate your sex life, providing excitement through novelty and new sensations. They are simply an addition to your sex life and not a replacement for the sexual experiences you share with a partner.
Another great benefit to using sex toys with a partner, is that they often help those who struggle to reach orgasm. Women in particular tend to take longer than their male counterparts and can often find it harder to climax. The latest statistics show that only 25% of women can reach orgasm consistently, from vaginal penetration alone. The majority of females need direct clitoral stimulation to climax and even then, approximately 10%-50% of women can still struggle occasionally. Sex toys, especially vibrators, provide a more intense type of stimulation that can really help women who struggle, reach orgasm more reliably. There is no shame in requiring a sex toy to help you achieve orgasm and you should not let anyone make you feel defective for doing so.
So, don’t let ego or insecurity get in the way of what could be a very positive experience. Sex toys can help spice up your sex life, help you learn new things about your partner and even experience orgasms. View them as the cherry on top of your cake, or the sprinkles you shake on your ice cream. When the sex is over and the pleasure has been had, you get to share that warm buzz of satisfaction with the one who truly matters to you; your partner.